Up, up and away?

Can't seem to find enough time to blog these days. This week I have been outside auditing a hotel. Due to the extra workload we recruited Zhou on a temporary basis. He seemed to enjoy it but I guess anything beats rotting at home after so long. But wouldn't I just kill to be able to rot at home too. It does make me think though, now that Zhou and I have worked together, there are very very few things that we haven't done together. Over the years we have studied together, played all kinds of games together, played sports together, served in church together, slept together (as roomie lah), cried together (ok more like I cry and he watch) and so many others. So that only leaves us with:

1. Walking on the moon together

2. Going on a double date

Out of the two, the former has the highest probability of occuring. Like how hard is it to join the Angkasawan Program anyway?

Yes we can!

Ok perhaps not THAT easy. But the double date thing will never happen, well not in this lifetime anyway. Its not entirely my fault though ok? Zhou has to shoulder some of the blame too. Contributing factor: Me=70% Zhou=30% or maybe more like Me=80%, Zhou=20%. Zhou how do you plan to get any girls if all you do is rot at home playing games? =.= I'm a lost cause but its not too late for you. Save yourself!

Speaking of lost cause, as Yong has so delicately put it, my "Letting it Out/Letting Go" plan has failed miserably. Some very late reporting on behalf of my insider has shed some new light into the situation. Hopefully its just a speed bump. However I do not want to talk about this now. I have spent enough sleepless nights thinking about it already. I only want to think of happy thoughts for now.

Up up and away!

Watched the movie Up on Sunday. Its definitely one of the most entertaining movies in recent memory. I really laughed out loud countless times during the movie, no mean feat. And for once, I didn't have to watch with GUYS only LOL. Some parts are just ridiculously hilarious but nonetheless it does bear some deeper meaning: Learning to let go of past burdens and dreams in order to pursue a new adventure.

Been thinking really hard about Fantasy Football. Dilemma: Buy Gallas and make him captain? Or not? Somehow I have a funny feeling that if I do that Gallas will break his leg and miss the rest of the season. Once again I shall be an advocate of the Virtue of Doing Nothing.

Leaving for Penang at 6am tomorrow. May sound very early to some people, but I wake up at that ungodly hour everyday anyway. I am a little bit sick though, so if I don't crawl out of my front door tomorrow, it means I have died in my sleep. Weeping is strictly forbidden at my funeral please, its a time of celebration! If however, I do survive and end up in Penang, can we please please please please not just stay in the hotel room and play mahjong all day in between meals? =.= Sorry for the boring post.

See you guys tomorrow?

Letting it Out

So this week, I actually revived my Friendster account. Obviously I had to go and retrieve my password which has long been forgotten. But after about 5 mins, it felt as if I was back in the past again. Reading all the testimonies written about me 5 years ago by my A-level classmates and my dear housemates (Btw B0902 was the best unit ever!) made me very nostalgic indeed. This was before the Friendster testimony place became a spam wall. Rather it was when everybody wrote nice things about each other etc. Basically everybody wrote almost the same things about me:

1. I was a top student in A-levels (especially in Chemistry), despite hardly studying.

2. I had a very nice/pretty girlfriend.

3. I was a very caring/gentle boyfriend.

Its really funny to see how much things have changed. I am now doing something totally unrelated to Chemistry or the sciences. And of course I no longer have a very nice/pretty girlfriend because I was a very very lousy boyfriend. I can hear it right now:

Yong: Why are you doing this to yourself? Why torture yourself?

Jlo: Why are you swimming in your own sadness?

More on that later. It doesn't take a genius to figure out my intentions of reviving my friendster account. Thats right I wanted to view her profile and I wanted to read the testimonies we wrote for each other. Unfortunately, I could only read the testimony she wrote for me as she has deleted me from her friend list.

HAIZZZZ

So back to the Anti-depression Protocol. If hilarious tv shows like Friends, Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother (Barney scenes) do not make me feel better, I turn to emo songs. I know you're probably thinking what's the point in listening to emo songs? Well it doesn't sound very logical to me either but I guess: If you can't beat them, join them.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, comin' in tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
Nobody ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

That's just a glimpse of the well-written lyrics. Very meaningful and emotionally-moving, to me at least =.=

Its hard to remember how it felt before
Now I've found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right.

And after all the obstacles
Its good to see you now with someone else
And its such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool.

And we used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

And I'll be happy for you if you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
Now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool.

Those are my favourite parts of the song. This song is about ex-lovers still being able to maintain close friendships. There are various reasons why this song is nice to me, but most importantly its because I hope tat one day, it would be true for both her and I.

Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.

There are so many other songs that I usually spam but all the anti-depression protocols in place are just temporary fixes, not permanent solutions. Enough is enough. People are always telling me to move on. I know this might sound silly but what exactly does moving on mean? If moving is going from point A to point B, then what exactly is point B? If point B is the place where I no longer think of her then that is impossible especially since I'm the kind of person who thinks significantly more of the past instead of the present or future. Only way out is if I go for one of those selective memory-erasing procedures like the one in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sidenote: For those of you who have been in a serious relationship and experienced breakups before, then you'll concur that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the best movie ever! For those who haven't, well then you will most likely fall asleep.

Virtually everything reminds me of her. I couldn't even begin to write a list as I have no idea where to begin. Its precisely why I haven't thrown away the stuff from the relationship. I don't see the point as there are billions of other things in the world that just reminds me of her anyway. Those relics of the relationship, and my memories, are all that I have left. Oh and btw Yong, my offer still stands: If you want me to throw them away, tell HER to call me to throw them away and I will duly oblige. But fear not, my mum has confiscated most if not all of those relics (I really think she threw away the Yeah & Li pillowcase T_T). Quite frankly, simply not thinking of her is equivalent to self-denial and I don't see the point in that. Surely there is another way.

I have read up on a lot of articles regarding this topic. It is very clear that talking to other people about my feelings is important. According to the experts, knowing that others are aware of my feelings will make me feel less alone with my pain and will help me heal. That is why I'm writing this post here. I also read that it is very important to allow myself to grieve the loss of the relationship. There are so many losses to cope with: the loss of companionship, shared experiences, support (be it intellectual, social or emotional). The loss of hopes, plans and dreams (which can be even more painful than practical losses) and many many others. Therefore this process is very natural and crucial, but I guess 3 and a half years is pushing it really. There are so many steps and advices that I can take from all these articles, but I find myself realising that ultimately only God can save me.

Its really sad that most of the time we turn to God as our last resort, I know I do. I'm such a terrible Christian and a poor testimony to non-believers. There were plenty of times where I just wanted to resign as worship leader in my church, but that's just the easy way out. I know my God loves me and doesn't want me to be tied down by the weight of these burdens. My sister always reminds me that I'm focusing on the wrong things in life: Seek you first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you (Matthew 6:33). God has great plans for me: plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). All these I knew right from the start but I think that deep down inside, I just didn't want to let go. I'm fully aware that God knows the desires of my heart and that he has somebody who is perfect just for me, but deep down inside, I didn't want perfect, I just wanted Her. I really have to learn to let go of this stubborn mentality, and just surrender all to Him who is control of everything. He is all I need and he is coming soon. He can't come sooner for me.

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him Praise.

Everybody is hoping that I will get better, everybody has faith that the best is yet to come, even her. The last time I spoke to her, she also reassured me.

Me: I thank God that He healed your heart so quickly and gave you someone that is good to you. I pray too that in time, God will be as gracious to me as well.

Her: I know that He will be exceedingly and even more gracious to you.

That was the last time I heard from her, she hasn't spoken to me since. I guess in a way that was her goodbye, knowing that I was in 'good hands'. So even though she doesn't read my blog, I think I'll say my goodbyes in my own way here.

Siew Li, you are a truly truly wonderful girl, and you deserve all the good, lovely and wonderful things in life. I have no idea what is going on in your life now, but I will continue to pray that God will never fail to bless you and your lovely family, especially your parents, today, tomorrow and always.

The sweetest of them all.

Goodbye.

The Descent Into Madness

Last Friday night, we went to The Loft KL for the FHM party. But the MOST interesting part was how we got there. Daryl and I took the bus up to KL to rendezvous with Yong and Kochi at Yong's office near KLCC. Prior to this, Yong wrote us a very descriptive email giving us precise directions as to how to reach his office. We followed the directions to the letter and did not get lost.

THE END

*Yawnz* SEE DAMN BORING RIGHT??!! Told you getting lost will have more blog material!

Haiz. It wasn't the only bad advice I got from Yong this week. He told me to sell William Gallas in Fantasy Football. AND THAT GUY SCORED!!! !!@@##?? Liverpool lose somemore. Aih. I really thought they would of won 5-0 or something since Zhou has officially stopped supporting them. Haiz.

The winners.

The loser (First on the right).

We got free drinks, a goodies bag, and considering that the cost was virtually zero, we walked away with a net profit. But overall I didn't have a completely satisfying experience. I have always believed that one cannot criticize or judge something that he/she has not experienced/done before. So having gone to clubbing, I can say with absolute certainty that it is not for me. Evidently some people were enjoying themselves (we all know who), oh and once again sorry for that tiny mistake ya! You got back at me with Gallas anyway =.= Anyway I really did enjoy most of the music that was played there, but for the most part I was just sitting down and looking around at other people enjoying themselves. Amidst all the fun, dancing, cheering, shouting I couldn't help but think how lonely I really was. After Yong ditched us to go VIP section, I was left with the already-attached trio, who had their hands tied. Fortunately I was preoccupied with Daryl's hilarious dance moves which really made me LOL (thx buddy, really needed it), nevertheless slowly but surely I was thinking about You-Know-Who again, just wondering what she was doing, and whether she was having a good time somewhere else.

The next day after returning to Melaka, I had to go back to the office and work. By night, I was extremely exhausted and knocked out pretty early. That night I had a dream. A really really really GOOD dream. In fact it was TOO awesome. Because ever since that dream, I have had trouble sleeping. I spent the early hours of the morning just walking up and down in my room. I just couldn't lie down still and its not funny when you have to wake up at 6am to work like this:

See how much I have aged?

Ok thats just my colleague. But that COULD be me very soon. So what do you do in a situation like this? Once again I tried some stupid things but to no avail. So I fall back on my anti-depression protocol.

Watch Friends:

I'll be there for You.

It has always been there for me. This is perhaps my all-time favourite TV series show. But unfortunately, even such a great series like this loses its effect after the countless reruns in the past 3 years. I really need to find a replacement to this as I am starting to feel the effect of its diminishing returns. And I think I have....well kinda...=.=

Watch the Gee-Gee video:

Gee gee gee gee gee.

Courtesy of DJslim. Love it or loathe it. This is a music video featuring a bunch of full-grown ladies trying to act cute. Add that to a repetitive song that is both likable and annoying in equal measure. However it does grow on you and in my time of need, it has surprisingly helped. If you are very curious or skeptical about it, then please turn off your mobile phones, pagers and sense of shame and watch this video at least 10 times.

More in the next post. Stay tuned.

Hope

This week I have really been pondering about the message I heard last Sunday. It was about the tragic story that had befallen upon Grammy Award-winning Christian musician Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. About a year ago, his five-year old daughter Maria (very cute), the youngest of the 3 girls he adopted from China, was accidentally hit by a Toyota Land Cruiser driven by her elder brother Will. Despite suffering such a tragic loss, the reaction of Steven and his family towards this incident has been inspiring and has touched many lives. This resulted in the family appearing on live interviews including Larry King Live, Good Morning America and People Magazine. Below is the Larry King Live interview which include several very touching moments:







The Chapman family turned their lost and sorrow into something amazing that will save countless unwanted children in China and all over the world. Basically this has reminded me of how I'm such a lousy Christian, you know being depressed and all. Regardless of the circumstances, I should be able to find joy and draw strength from my Lord, Jesus Christ. I should boldly declare the promises bestowed upon my life and the hope that I have in Him.

About a month ago I set myself a new 'half-year' resolution to become an optimist. Lets go through the 9 steps and see how's my progression so far:

1. Let go of the assumption that the world is against you, or that you were born with a gray cloud over your head.
Status: I don' think that the world is against me.

2. Look for the source of your pessimism.
Status: I know what it is. Its my failures.

3. Understand that the past doesn't equal the future.
Status: This is hard. "Once bitten twice shy" anyone?

4. See yourself as the cause, not an effect.
Status: Of course I see myself as the cause. Duh!

5. Accept pain, failure, disappointment as a part of life, not the entirety of it.
Status: Still working on it.

6. Be thankful.
Status: Yes I really should be thankful for a lot of things.

7. Using positive affirmations.
Status: My DPS damn yeng. ^^V

8. Remember that life is short.
Status: Not short enough for me I mean I know.

9. Be a balanced optimist.
Status: Well I highly doubt I'll ever be an extreme optimist anyway.

As you can see I'm still not quite there yet. But oh well, at least I am trying a bit. Upon Zhou's recommendation I watched the final 2-hour episode of Prison Break. All that episode really shows is how ridiculously easy it is to break out of prisons. So if any of you ever get caught and thrown into jail, let Prison Break give you hope and reason for optimism.

Last night I finalised my Fantasy Football team and joined Yong's private league. So without further ado, let me present to you my team You'll Never Sux Alone: *cues Beethoven Symphony No.5*
HEY DON'T LAUGH OKAY?! MICHAEL OWEN IS FTW!!! That's optimism for you. Truth be told, I think that Owen is the best striker in the world. Truth be told, I'm lying. So yea about 1 hour later I made several adjustments.

Basically I pump my midfield, lets see how it goes.

This Friday Yong will be our centre forward obviously. The already-attached duo of Daryl and Kochi will be on the flanks assisting as wingmen, and I will be.......haiz...who am I kidding? I can't do nuts! I will be in the corner warming the bench. *WAIT OPTIMISM* At least I'm better than Zhou who didn't even make the squad! Wahaahahaa. No la, actually he pull out due to self-inflicted injury (brain injury). He rather rot at home. Wth? *MORE OPTIMISM* I can help you guys take photo! Just let me join in 1-2 photos PLS K THX BAI T_T

Party tickets

What else? Oh yea Zhou, Daryl and I have begun our Diablo 2 adventure (again) via Hamachi. Pretty fun although I surmise that my finger is going to require some operation in the near future.

Click-click-click-click-click

Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out who is using which character. Daryl's char is the easiest to guess of course. Our progress has been pretty good so far. We play about 3 hours a night. and have completed one act per night. I know you're probably still thinking, ".............DIABLO 2 ???!! SERIOUSLY??!!" But when it comes to mindless hack-and-slash to release stress, you really can't find a better game than Diablo 2.

Till next time.

Rinse and Repeat

This week has been very routine to say the least, well except for Friday night. Friday night went to watch The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Its about the hijacking of an underground train. All I can say is that their escape plan was really FAIL. I would put this movie under the "Only watch if really bored" category. Yong said the movie was nice but I'll like to think his judgment is affected by other factors, most importantly the company. He went to watch with girls while I was starring alongside an ALL-GUY team.

No more prisons to break out from.

So Yong complains that blogs of people who just share their views on news/stuff that can be found on Google is just boring. He wants us to blog about our LIFE. So I'll try to blog about my everyday life. Don't worry the schedule is very easy. You can even memorise it. So like I said, apart from Friday night it has been VERY routine. During the day its all about Work, Eat, Work, Eat. At night I study CPA. Which reminds me: I am proud to report that I am two weeks ahead of the recommended schedule set by CPA. After studying, I watch Prison Break. That's one day. Rinse and repeat. Everyday is the same. Not sure what I'm going to do next week because I have finished the last season of Prison Break already. Well except for, the final two-hour episode which I can't be bothered to watch.

Spoiler: Scofield dies at the end. BIGGER Spoiler:

I DON'T CARE HOW OR WHY.

The first two seasons of Prison Break was good but it went downhill from there. I don't really want go into how ridiculous the storyline is but suffice to say the fact that everything was part of the elaborate plan of the Company is just funny. But what is even more funny is how the characters keep changing from being sworn enemies who are at each others throats, to partners-in-crime and then back to sworn enemies. But then something happens and its back to I hate your guts but we have to work together. The "we are after the same thing" party line was just overused. Then suddenly its oh just kidding we're enemies again. Rinse and repeat.

Somehow it reminds me of You-Know-Who. DON'T WORRY! THIS IS NOT A SULK POST! I have promised Yong that I will behave this week. Trust me, I am really really happy for her. The last time I talked to her on the phone, she sounded very happy. Something tells me that she is way happier now than when she was with me, and that gave me a very warm and fuzzy (albeit weird) feeling inside. But I really really do miss her companionship. We are neither sworn enemies nor partners-in-crime yet we are hardly even friends now. So I once asked her this:

Me: "So when do you think we can hang out as friends again?"

You-Know-Who: "Only after you have found your Special One."

HEAR THAT MOURINHO? I'M COMING FOR YOU BABEHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Special One

You see we both have a pouting face picture: That's +10 to compatibility points.

Speaking of football, Real Madrid trashed Toronto 5-1. Raul scored twice, while goals from CR9, Benzema, and Robben added to the scoreline. The Captain's first goal was reminiscent to the Raul of old, tricking defenders and switching his foot to score. A lot of talk has been on whether the new Galactico system will be a success and what formation and tactics will be used. These discussions inevitably lead up to whether or not Raul deserves a place in the starting lineup. He is the Captain, the Madridista icon, in short he is a living legend at the club. Last season he eclipsed the legendary Alfredo Di Stefano's record of 307 goals (albeit with significantly more appearances) to become the all-time top goalscorer in the club's long and illustrious history. Raul's goal tally is currently at 316, and every goal he scores now sets a new record. But it only masks the fact that Raul is no longer the big game match-winner he used to be.

There was a time when Raul was simply undroppable for both club and country. His decline in form led to him being benched at the World Cup 2006 by Luis Aragones who favoured the pairing of David Villa and Fernando Torres. It worked splendidly as Spain cruised through the group stage. The only problem was the coach was under immense pressure from the media to play Raul. He was still the national team's captain and was still very influential. Many of the veterans in the squad kept pressing in favour of Raul and during the second-round match against France, Aragones was forced to play Raul. Spain were knocked out of the World Cup and when Euro 2008 came along, Raul was not chosen for the squad at all despite rediscovering his goalscoring form. A player of his experience and class surely deserves a place on the bench at least, but with Raul, its never quite that simple. He just wields too much influence. In Madrid, he is like a god. Any journalist that dares to criticize Raul in the press will lose his job (no joke). In many ways he is more powerful than the president Florentino Perez, so its very unlikely he will not feature in the starting lineup this new season. But as Spain has found out, maybe life without Raul is better. Don't get me wrong, Raul is one of my favourite players alongside Zidane, but his place is in the Hall of Fame now, not in the starting lineup anymore. I guess we shall just have to see what happens.

Oops sorry for talking so much about football and I know these are all 'views' on stuff which you can google about...blah blah. So yea the search for the Special One is on! This Friday I will be going to the FHM Malaysia's 100 Most Wanted Women Party. The night before Yong went to get the tickets, I told him not to take any for me as I didn't think I would be able to go. The next morning I told my mum about it and to my surprise she said, "Go lah! Why not?" So just as I was about to tell Yong about it he messaged me first saying, "I don't care I got the ticket for you anyway!" Haha. Guess it was meant to be. SARAH TAN HERE I COME! (shoo Yong!)

Tomorrow I have to go shop for a new external harddrive and a brand new USB pen drive for Zhou (coz his old pen drive accidentally flew out of my pocket into a big longkang). Which reminds me: I find it so irritating that so many people are wearing masks in shopping centres. Like seriously, if you so scared just stay at home =.= Everytime I see people like that I think to myself, "Tan sen pa si", which in direct translation means: Greedy to live, scared to die. I guess some, if not most people, have more to lose than me.

Peace out, hombres!

The Virtue of Doing Nothing

When people are too free, they tend to do stupid stuff really. So yea I've done some pretty stupid stuff since my last post. Like Yong said, "You did all the stupid things you could possibly do dy, you have run out of stupid things to do." Fortunately for me, something happened which prevented me from doing something REALLY stupid, but I'm not going to talk about that. It reminds me why I was less depressed when I was hardcore gaming. I had less idle time to think up all this nonsense, hence my return to blogging. It also reminds me on how as played less as exams drew nearer, I fell deeper into depression and ended up doing more stupid things. Sometimes, things are just out of our hands that we should just embrace the Virtue of Doing Nothing:

When Liu Bang, founding emperor of the Han Dynasty passed away in 195 B.C, his son Liu Ying took over the throne. He was assisted by his father's very capable Prime Minister Xiao He. It wasn't too long before Xiao He too died of illness. The Imperial Court appointed a man named Cao Can to become the new Prime Minister. This new Prime Minister however, was nothing like Xiao He. He indulged in drinking and lived his life leisurely. Many officials were displeased with Cao Can's indulgence but there was nothing they could do. Eventually the Emperor found out about this and secretly ordered Cao Can's son, Cao Zhu to go and remind his father of his duty as Prime Minister. Cao Zhu said to his father, "The new Emperor is still very young and you being the Prime Minister should assist him in national affairs instead of indulging in drinking and living vicariously." Cao Can was furious and gave his son 200 lashes while lecturing him, "You're not in a position to discuss state affairs!"

The next day the Emperor summoned Cao Can and revealed to him that Cao Zhu was under the Emperor's instruction. Cao Can immediately apologised and started explaining himself. He asked, "Your Majesty, comparing you to the late Emperor Liu Bang, who is more powerful?" The Emperor replied "I wouldn't dare compare myself to the late Emperor!" . Cao Can proceeded to ask, "Who is more capable, Xiao He or me?" "You seem to be inferior to Xiao He", replied the Emperor. Whereupon Cao Can elaborated, "You're absolutely right Your Majesty. Since the late Emperor and Xiao He are clearly more capable than us, why should we do anything. Let things run its normal course. We need not change anything." This has led to the Chinese phrase "Governing by doing nothing". Its a very good excuse to use when my mum tells me to do something that I think is useless or when I'm just too lazy.

Back to Knowing About Yeah Episode 10, the last episode. I thank my lucky stars for my Uncle Victor who came up with the name Phillip,which I'm not really fond of to be honest, but I definitely prefer it to Stanley, that my mum originally wanted. Seriously don't ask what her other backup names were. Some people got a really good laugh out of it. But what I found interesting was that more than 80% of the participants thought that I was supposed to be named Albert. Danny claims that I have an 'Albert look'. Hey I know I have the look of a genius but...seriously?

Spot the difference.

Ok that's all I have for today. Gotta go sleep now.

See ya!

Explanation & Farewell (maybe?)

So I deleted the Episode 9: Depression Part 1 post, after being reprimanded by a few people, because apparently its not something that I should share with the entire world. Jianloong however said that he still managed to search for it on google because they store it inside the cache. So if you look hard enough you will probably still find that post. Therefore I have decided to put it back up. However, I would like to stress this: That is not the main thing that I am depressed about. That was just an introduction and the background story really. I have moved on beyond that phase already. But nevertheless I am not sure whether I want to continue blogging now. I just don't have the mood anymore. Its back to suffering in silence for me.

Goodbye.