Letting it Out

So this week, I actually revived my Friendster account. Obviously I had to go and retrieve my password which has long been forgotten. But after about 5 mins, it felt as if I was back in the past again. Reading all the testimonies written about me 5 years ago by my A-level classmates and my dear housemates (Btw B0902 was the best unit ever!) made me very nostalgic indeed. This was before the Friendster testimony place became a spam wall. Rather it was when everybody wrote nice things about each other etc. Basically everybody wrote almost the same things about me:

1. I was a top student in A-levels (especially in Chemistry), despite hardly studying.

2. I had a very nice/pretty girlfriend.

3. I was a very caring/gentle boyfriend.

Its really funny to see how much things have changed. I am now doing something totally unrelated to Chemistry or the sciences. And of course I no longer have a very nice/pretty girlfriend because I was a very very lousy boyfriend. I can hear it right now:

Yong: Why are you doing this to yourself? Why torture yourself?

Jlo: Why are you swimming in your own sadness?

More on that later. It doesn't take a genius to figure out my intentions of reviving my friendster account. Thats right I wanted to view her profile and I wanted to read the testimonies we wrote for each other. Unfortunately, I could only read the testimony she wrote for me as she has deleted me from her friend list.

HAIZZZZ

So back to the Anti-depression Protocol. If hilarious tv shows like Friends, Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother (Barney scenes) do not make me feel better, I turn to emo songs. I know you're probably thinking what's the point in listening to emo songs? Well it doesn't sound very logical to me either but I guess: If you can't beat them, join them.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, comin' in tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
Nobody ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

That's just a glimpse of the well-written lyrics. Very meaningful and emotionally-moving, to me at least =.=

Its hard to remember how it felt before
Now I've found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right.

And after all the obstacles
Its good to see you now with someone else
And its such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool.

And we used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

And I'll be happy for you if you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
Now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool.

Those are my favourite parts of the song. This song is about ex-lovers still being able to maintain close friendships. There are various reasons why this song is nice to me, but most importantly its because I hope tat one day, it would be true for both her and I.

Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.

There are so many other songs that I usually spam but all the anti-depression protocols in place are just temporary fixes, not permanent solutions. Enough is enough. People are always telling me to move on. I know this might sound silly but what exactly does moving on mean? If moving is going from point A to point B, then what exactly is point B? If point B is the place where I no longer think of her then that is impossible especially since I'm the kind of person who thinks significantly more of the past instead of the present or future. Only way out is if I go for one of those selective memory-erasing procedures like the one in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sidenote: For those of you who have been in a serious relationship and experienced breakups before, then you'll concur that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the best movie ever! For those who haven't, well then you will most likely fall asleep.

Virtually everything reminds me of her. I couldn't even begin to write a list as I have no idea where to begin. Its precisely why I haven't thrown away the stuff from the relationship. I don't see the point as there are billions of other things in the world that just reminds me of her anyway. Those relics of the relationship, and my memories, are all that I have left. Oh and btw Yong, my offer still stands: If you want me to throw them away, tell HER to call me to throw them away and I will duly oblige. But fear not, my mum has confiscated most if not all of those relics (I really think she threw away the Yeah & Li pillowcase T_T). Quite frankly, simply not thinking of her is equivalent to self-denial and I don't see the point in that. Surely there is another way.

I have read up on a lot of articles regarding this topic. It is very clear that talking to other people about my feelings is important. According to the experts, knowing that others are aware of my feelings will make me feel less alone with my pain and will help me heal. That is why I'm writing this post here. I also read that it is very important to allow myself to grieve the loss of the relationship. There are so many losses to cope with: the loss of companionship, shared experiences, support (be it intellectual, social or emotional). The loss of hopes, plans and dreams (which can be even more painful than practical losses) and many many others. Therefore this process is very natural and crucial, but I guess 3 and a half years is pushing it really. There are so many steps and advices that I can take from all these articles, but I find myself realising that ultimately only God can save me.

Its really sad that most of the time we turn to God as our last resort, I know I do. I'm such a terrible Christian and a poor testimony to non-believers. There were plenty of times where I just wanted to resign as worship leader in my church, but that's just the easy way out. I know my God loves me and doesn't want me to be tied down by the weight of these burdens. My sister always reminds me that I'm focusing on the wrong things in life: Seek you first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you (Matthew 6:33). God has great plans for me: plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). All these I knew right from the start but I think that deep down inside, I just didn't want to let go. I'm fully aware that God knows the desires of my heart and that he has somebody who is perfect just for me, but deep down inside, I didn't want perfect, I just wanted Her. I really have to learn to let go of this stubborn mentality, and just surrender all to Him who is control of everything. He is all I need and he is coming soon. He can't come sooner for me.

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him Praise.

Everybody is hoping that I will get better, everybody has faith that the best is yet to come, even her. The last time I spoke to her, she also reassured me.

Me: I thank God that He healed your heart so quickly and gave you someone that is good to you. I pray too that in time, God will be as gracious to me as well.

Her: I know that He will be exceedingly and even more gracious to you.

That was the last time I heard from her, she hasn't spoken to me since. I guess in a way that was her goodbye, knowing that I was in 'good hands'. So even though she doesn't read my blog, I think I'll say my goodbyes in my own way here.

Siew Li, you are a truly truly wonderful girl, and you deserve all the good, lovely and wonderful things in life. I have no idea what is going on in your life now, but I will continue to pray that God will never fail to bless you and your lovely family, especially your parents, today, tomorrow and always.

The sweetest of them all.

Goodbye.